By Kim Ades, RISMedia Columnist

RISMEDIA, September 1, 2010—If she had listened to her mother, Laura would have moved into Golden Acres.

Newly divorced, Laura was house hunting, and her fiercely protective mother and even Laura’s own friends were keen for Laura to be safe and practical. They were pushing high-security condo buildings that Laura describes as being one step away from a retirement community.

Laura viewed several condos, and although she could see the convenience of no maintenance for lawns, no walks to shovel, and a heated garage for her car, she couldn’t shake the feeling that condo living was simply not for her.

“I thought my sense of unease, of displacement, was just a side effect of the divorce. Then I realized that everything else in my life felt like it was on the right track. But when I pictured myself living in a condo, it didn’t feel right. I decided to ask my agent to show me houses in my preferred neighborhood.”

And a house was what she found—a quaint bungalow on a quiet street in the perfect neighborhood. When Laura saw it, it felt like home. Was there a heated garage and 24-hour concierge? Absolutely not. But Laura wouldn’t have had it any other way. She got the house and immediately started putting her own touches on it.

“I’m not sure why I was listening to my mother, who felt I needed a husband to keep a house in good repair. I aced shop class and ever since, I have always fixed things myself. I’m comfortable with tools, find shoveling snow to be refreshing, and consider mowing the lawn great exercise. My sense of displacement evaporated when I saw this house. It was what I needed—and what I wanted.”

In listening to her reactions, Laura was able to pinpoint what she truly wanted, not her mother or her friends’ desires. “Looking back, I’m not sure why I put so much stock in what other people were telling me was right for my ‘situation.’ After all, no one knows how I think and feel other than me. My negative feelings about condos were an indication that they weren’t right for me. The house held a strong pull for me, and was definitely the right decision.”

Laura was right that no one knows better than ourselves how we feel and what we want. When we make decisions in an attempt to please others, we are compromising ourselves and our own happiness and this can lead to resentment. The next time you have to decide something important, make sure you have thought through who you are attempting to please—yourself or others.

Here are a few tips to make the decision making process go smoothly:

1. Imagine yourself in the spot you would be after making a particular decision. Are you happy or not happy? How about if you made a different decision? How do you feel now?

2. Our range of emotions and happiness are complex, and it can be challenging to pinpoint what we are feeling and to what degree. This is where it helps to write things down so that your brain isn’t overloaded with picturing and remembering possible outcomes. A good place to start is an online journal. Frame of Mind coaching has a great journal tool that is free (www.frameofmindcoaching.com).

3. Having made a specific decision, whether it was in your best interests or to please others, are you in a place where you want to be? Can you live with that for the short-term? What about the long-term? What values or beliefs guided you in choosing that outcome, and are those values that you want to live with for the rest of your life?

When you make a decision that can significantly affect your life, consider if you are doing what is best for you or if you are compromising your values for the sake of others. Don’t skip over the step of writing it down. It’s an invaluable process that can make decision making a smoother process.

Kim Ades, MBA, President of Frame of Mind Coaching is one of North America’s foremost experts on performance through thought management. By using her unique process of coaching through journaling, she works with clients to unveil and switch their thought patterns to ignite significant change and life transformation. She is now teaching this process to coaches all over the world for use with their clients. Visit www.frameofmindcoaching to sign up for your own free, secure, online journal.

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